Greetings and a belated Happy New Year!
Well, sorry for the lack of updates. It has been a long few months since the Miami race back in late October. Following Miami 70.3, I decided to take a break from training and racing. The trouble was that it was a long break, and the break turned into another pretty dark segment of life. I was grappling with the reality of our loss, and it was tearing me to pieces.
Once again, I found myself in a deep hole, struggling to get out of bed. The thought of Ironman and training was ridiculous -- I was barely functioning. But as I moved through another dark phase of this horrible reality, I was aware of the precariousness of my emotional condition and knew that at some point I would have to claw my way out...again. My condition was really no different than last June, in terms of what I was dealing with and the thoughts running through my head; only this time around it hit me even harder, and I was really struggling to get out.
As I sorted through my options, I thought of what Mike would say: "Get back on the horse, Jimmy." Mike had many nicknames for me, and Jimmy was one of them -- Ocelot another, and his most used was Brother Essau. He had nicknames for everyone. His college buddies called him BUG! I wasn't sure about my decision; I wasn't sure about much in this existence. But hearing Mike's words and, listening to him as I always did, I believed this was my best shot at climbing out...again.
In my depressed state, I emailed Coach Jesse and gave him the go ahead -- Ironman Lake Placid would be the goal for 2011! So, I started back up two weeks ago on February 7, after many months away. I had packed on many extra pounds and knew once again that my return would not be easy, but I also knew my emotional conditition was teetering on the abyss. I had never been so far down, so very low -- and I really didn't care to get out. I couldn't, but I had to. After two weeks of being back, I am focused and deteremined, but the hole in my heart is huge and the pull of the darkness is strong. It's like running from the boogie man all of the time. It's the proverbial "bad dream," but waking up doesn't make it go away.
It will be one year ago this coming Saturday, Febraury 26, and it feels like it was yesterday. But, with the support of my family -- even as they struggle through their own pain -- and the many friends who have helped me limp along, I have climbed out and plan to have a great season, hopefully running strong. I am going to kick off this renewed plan by spending a month in Tucson, the Ironman training mecca. I'll be in touch from out west. Thanks for checking in!
